12 February 2012

Why Katy Perry Should Go Out with Me

Dear Katy Perry,

Your marriage recently ended rather surprisingly (at least to those of us on the outside), and I'm going through that myself. Believe me, I definitely get what it does to one's psyche and sense of self to not be wanted anymore. We're "damaged goods," you and I. Now, you could hook up with any number of guys that you actually know and live happily ever after. Or...and follow me on this...you could take a chance on me. Here's a guide to help you decide.

  • I'm honest and candid, which I think can be gleaned from this blog. There should be no doubt that I am sincere about whatever I might say. I am not a sycophant.
  • I'm diplomatic, which means very rarely is my honesty delivered rudely. In fact, within my core group of friends, my assigned role is The Diplomat. I can be honest without being mean.
  • I'm encouraging and supportive. It's almost ironic how good a cheerleader I am, given how little use I have for them myself.
  • I am very patient (not always with myself, though). This makes me quite suited for handling children and drunks alike. It's almost unheard of for me to exacerbate a situation by becoming impatient.
  • I am mostly housebroken.
  • I don't embarrass easily and I have a well-honed sense of humor. Even when my depression was at its worst, I was able to make people laugh.
  • I can make a pretty decent breakfast of scrambled eggs and French toast.
  • I have four cats, all rescues. This might be a "Con" for some people, but I know how partial you are to Kitty Purry so I figure my being cat-friendly is a "Pro."
  • I'm poor. I mean, like, "Tea Partiers despise that I draw breath" poor. So on the one hand, you might think I'm just after your money. On the other hand, you'll know you can control me.
  • My health is dubious at best, between the Crohn's, the cumulative effects of steroids on my bones and joints, my compromised immune system and then there's the depression and anxiety. I am not a prime specimen. The good news is, you'll be touring frequently and not even around to be bored by me being in bed or the bathroom all the time.
  • I'm 33. Oh, and my hair is thinning.
  • I am not effeminate, but I've also never really identified as particularly masculine, either. If you're looking for a big, strong man, I'm not him. I'm not even comfortable thinking of myself as a "man." I'm only a "guy."
  • I'm not physically attractive; you're not going to get any satisfaction showing me off to your bitchy friends.
  • My diet is very limited, so if you're a foodie beware that I will likely bore you. Also, I do not like my food to touch, and I generally eat one thing at a time. I will not change.
  • Because of my health, I've given up drinking. I won't judge you for imbibing but I know what it's like to have someone around who's always sober.
  • I despise driving. I figure you have drivers anyway, though, so maybe that's a non-issue.
  • My sleep pattern is irregular at best.
  • Between my health, money and my age, it is impractical and inadvisable for me to have children at this point in my life. That's a part of life you will never get with me. (Loophole: I am, however, quite kid-friendly in case you've already got one.)
Your move, Katy Perry.

P.S.: Dear Reader, you're welcome to adapt this to suit yourself or someone you think you might want to set up with me. Yeah, I'm at that point since eHarmony has already told me they're not interested in helping me keep from dying all alone and eaten by my cats.

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