07 December 2011

My Favorite Tweets of 2011

Twitter is good for a laugh most days, and these are my favorite tweets of 2011. Some tweeters, such as @DawnHFoster, should have their tweets collected and published. For some of these, I've provided a bit of context but others I think are just as entertaining out of context. I tried to limit each tweeter to being represented by just one, but there were a couple who had some gems that I couldn't decide between, so I included both.

Tara Strong @tarastrong, 9 March: "Last night I cracked up my kid by pretending to be a bratty little girl to the annoying telemarketer call guy & he totally bought it.." [Tara Strong is a voice over actress.]

Brook Busey (Diablo Cody) @diablocody, 6 April:  "I made homemade pizza today and threw the dough in the air. I'm not saying it worked. I'm just saying I did it."

Anthony @ih8comedy, 24 May: "Dear jelly, It's time. Sincerely, peanut butter."

Rosanne Cash @rosannecash27 May: "I can't jump from Broadway quotes to Libyan bank governors to Miles Davis to cold pizza to Harvard to Nascar to Polar Bears. I just can't."

Jim Day @JimDayTV, 31 May: "If you live in Norwood, you are located in tonight's strike zone from home plate umpire"

vaness! @fuhrerprincess, 13 June: "Hornswoggle. Dunno what it is, but I feel like it should be Harry Potter related."

Meg$ @2ndCitySaint, 2 July: "Dear video games, thanks for giving me the hand-eye coordination & dexterity necessary to use a dildo w/one hand & my clit with the other."

Andy Borowitz @BorowitzReport, 6 July: "Remember, folks: in America, you're innocent until Nancy Grace  spends every night for 3 years saying you're guilty."

joshua may @notjosh7 July: "If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic."

Daren R. Dochterman @darendoc, 8 July: "If NASA had any guts, they would dress the landing crew at Edwards as Apes to receive the Astronauts on their last Shuttle Landing."

Nikol Hasler @NikolHasler, 9 July: "Do you think other scientists are offended by the phrase 'It's not rocket science?' Like, are biochemists just a liiiitle bristly over that?"

Natasha Badhwar @natashabadhwar, 9 July: "If anyone ever tries to take me to a water park again, I will laugh out loud. In their face."

Simon Thomson @SimonJT10, 10 July: "@piersmorgan My girlfriend sent me a text saying 'Sorry, but I've had enough with you. Your really annoying'. So I replied with '*you're*'."

Marta @ohsheesamonster, 12 July: "Oh Mila Kunis is trending. The things I'd do to her..."

Valibus @valibus, 20 July: "The most fictitious part about Spiderman and Superman now is that their alter-egos are gainfully employed at a newspaper."

Seth Meyers @sethmeyers21, 25 July: "The only entitlement Boehner believes in is that you're entitled to go f*ck yourself."

Anderson Cooper @andersoncooper, 12 August: "That monkey in #TheRidiculist cracks me up"

Dawn Foster @DawnHFoster, 20 August: "Jesus. From the scene I've just witnessed, I can tell you that breastfeeding and having your hair bleached don't mix."

McDonald's Corp. @McDonaldsCorp, 22 August: "@woodmuffin You are correct. Grimace used to have four arms. He's very cagey about what happened to the extra arms. We don't ask."

Katy Perry @katyperry, 23 August: [When asked her favorite course at school:]"Any kind of HISTORY!"

joereid @joereid, 23 August [During aftermath coverage of east coast earthquake]: "Shit, y'all, Wolf Blitzer is on a PHONE WITH A CORD. That man will get you the information ANY WAY HE CAN."

Molly Jo @AnneShirley06, 4 September: "Dinner! You have BETRAYED me!"

FAKEGRIMLOCK @FAKEGRIMLOCK, 7 September: "SO PERRY SAY IF US JUST EXECUTE GALILEO THEN GLOBAL WARMING WILL END RECESSION? THAT BEST GOP PLAN YET! #GOPdebate"

Sherrilynn Macale @heycheri, 8 September: "I love how guys on OkCupid are like, 'Wanna meet up for coffee?' I'm a 5'1, 93LB Asian girl. Not in the mood to get kidnapped."

Gail Simone @GailSimone, 13 September: "Look, it's fine if you guys want to share Twitter and stuff. But I'm sorry, touch my Batgirl and Batcycle Barbie set and I get all stabby."


Dawn Foster, 24 September: "A lady in Balham Sainsburys tried to make me eat vegetables. I wish the Nazis had won."

Luke Morton @luke_morton, 2 October: "A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone."

Alicia-Monique @aliciamonique, 6 October: "I love Cruel Intentions. It ALWAYS makes me cry. Without fail. Plus it makes my vag cry because Ryan Phillipe will never be inside me."

Dawn Foster, 11 October: "'How might you stop children playing tricks on Halloween?' Same way you stop paedophilia: kill all the children."

Emil Ekelund @Esh_Kebab, 16 October: [About Roger Ebert's memoirs] "I like how there's an 'About the author' section at the end of it. Makes me wonder just what I had been reading for the past 400+ pages."

Matt Shapiro @typorrhea, 16 October: "Final image from last night's dream: big tough gangsta in Super Target, a cat on his shoulder with Paula Dean's face. Woke up screaming."

Max Perlman @Big_Max19: "Tim McCarver can't tell the difference between a curveball and a changeup. My mom knows the difference, no offense mom."

Ron Marz @ronmarz, 22 October: "Man, we picked the hell outta those apples!"

Alexander Goot @AGoot18: "Most reporters wouldn't know the type of soup Adrian Chambers ordered. Most reporters aren't Ken Rosenthal."

Simon Pegg @simonpegg, 30 October: "Asked my 2 year old what her fav part of today's Halloween party was and she pointed at thin air and said, 'that ghost'. May move house."

Brent Spiner @BrentSpiner, 5 November: "RIP Andy Rooney. Don't you just hate when people die?"

kelly oxford @kellyoxford, 17 November: "Adulthood is probably when you stop taking drugs to trip out, and start taking drugs to feel normal."

Ron Marz, 26 November: "If this Mars probe finds no Tharks, I will be extremely disappointed."

sickipediabot @sickipediabot, 29 November: "Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world."

Black Canseco @BlackCanseco, 5 December: "Ving Rhames is trending?! Lord please don't let him be dead, broke, droppin a rap album or a sextape."

ADDENDUM - Tweets sent after I originally published this post.

Jennifer Sicurella @TequilaReader, 9 December: "All I know about fashion is that cleavage = free drinks."

3 comments:

  1. Wow, I'm in good company there. Thanks for having me. :)

    Also: great idea for a post. I found a couple of new people to follow through this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. No need to thank me; you earned your spot on this year's list, the same as the others. You might also enjoy looking at last year's list (there's a link included in this post).

    ReplyDelete