24 August 2011

Speaking for...Julianna Margulies

I thought it might be fun to peruse old magazines and answer the questions put to someone else.  I'm not sure how this is going to go, or whether it will become a recurring feature but it sounded fun enough.  In this post, I answer for Julianna Margulies, who was asked the following twenty questions in Playboy (June, 1997).

Playboy June, 1997
PLAYBOY: You have been dubbed Crash Cart--and apparent reference to your celebrated clumsiness.  Under what circumstances are you more graceful?
TRAVIS AS JULIANNA MARGULIES: The better question is, "How did cats ever acquire a reputation for gracefulness?"  'Cause none of ours display anything resembling agility.
PLAYBOY: What actual nursing skill would you like to have?
TRAVIS: The ability to tolerate doctors with a god complex.
PLAYBOY: What's easier, putting a catheter in an attractive guy or in an unattractive guy?
TRAVIS: Either way, he's doing it himself.  I'm just another patient, yo.
PLAYBOY: Is it hard to feel attractive in scrubs?  Do you keep your nurse's outfit at home for those special moments?
TRAVIS: For years, I actually kept some used scrubs around.  They were great for doing household chores or babysitting.  They're designed to resist all kinds of unpleasant stuff that would completely ruin other materials.  I never felt attractive in them, but to be fair to scrubs...they can only do so much.
PLAYBOY: We heard that Steven Spielberg said you remind him of his ex-wife, Amy Irving.
TRAVIS: You know what I haven't heard?  A question.
PLAYBOY: Among medical support people, which group is the hunkiest?
TRAVIS: Gotta be spokespeople, right?  I mean, there can't be very many ugly people hired to be the face of any organization, can there?
PLAYBOY: Which characters on ER have not achieved their erotic potential?
TRAVIS: Whichever character that was that Maria Bello played.  I saw A History of Violence and there's no way her ER character got to be nearly that erotic.
PLAYBOY: Rate your male co-stars' sexual heat.
TRAVIS: I think you have me confused with someone who has male co-stars.
PLAYBOY: What discipline best describes courtship and love--dance, opera or hydraulics?
TRAVIS: Dance.  You've got to have good timing, and as the performance unfolds, you need be able to rely on one another to keep it going.
PLAYBOY: You once said that you would go back to waitressing rather than do a role you hate.  Give us an example.
TRAVIS: You know what, Playboy?  "Waitressing" isn't a word.  I might have said I'd go back to waiting tables, though.  I actually enjoyed waiting tables.  I wound up working as a cook about half the time, too.  Each had its appeal.  To be honest, if it wasn't for Crohn's disease making that kind of physically demanding job impractical, I might consider looking into some kind of restaurant management position.
PLAYBOY: You've lived, traveled and studied in Europe.  What can a young woman learn there that she can't learn in the United States?
TRAVIS: To begin with, I've never set foot in Europe.  But I suspect that a young woman would discover in Europe that despite what she's been told in the United States, you actually can have a free society that provides universal health care.  Also, a young woman is likely to get a better grip on the metric system in Europe.
PLAYBOY: Have you received any letters from heartbroken men in Europe?
TRAVIS: No letters from anyone in Europe.  I'll take blog comments, though.
PLAYBOY: What theme or homage show is ER ripe for?
TRAVIS: Easily the most poorly constructed question so far, Playboy.  I bet your English teachers are all very proud of you.  ER, of course, has been canceled for a while now so it's not really ripe for anything except maybe a Blu-ray release.  I'd like to see Psych do an ER themed episode, though.  I could totally see that working.
PLAYBOY: Your father is a successful ad executive who has written many famous jingles.  Complete the couplet "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz..."
TRAVIS: Do I go around making up stuff about your dad?  Didn't think so.  Moving on.
PLAYBOY: With all the Emmy nominations that ER has received, was it weird for you to be singled out the year that you won?
TRAVIS: It was the weirdest thing ever!  Especially since, you know, I didn't win a damn thing.
PLAYBOY: Seinfeld is the king of cereal.  Is it true you're the queen of toast?
TRAVIS: No.  But you may have given me a cuh-razy Halloween costume idea.
PLAYBOY: Are you an organ donor?
TRAVIS: Funny you ask.  I actually am!  I never was before, but when renewing my license earlier this year I decided it won't make any difference to my Viking funeral plans whether I've got my useless organs or someone else does.  I have AB- blood, so I'm sure someone will be desperate enough to overlook the fact I've had Crohn's disease and an obscene amount of steroids coursing through my blood.
PLAYBOY: What would we find in your medicine cabinet?
TRAVIS: I actually don't have a medicine cabinet.  And why are you snooping to find out what kind of drugs I'm taking?  I can tell you you're not going to find anything to get you high, so go steal from someone else, you thieving junkie.
PLAYBOY: Under what circumstances would you not revive a date?
TRAVIS: Well, I'm quite happily married and have been since 2006 so I'm not reviving any dates.
PLAYBOY: Will you stay with the show?
TRAVIS: I'm not into channel surfing.  Once I pick a show, that's what I'm watching.  I hate people who begin foraging other channels during commercial breaks.  I'm a serious monogamist that way.
I hope you found that amusing on some level.  To read Julianna Margulies's actual answers, check out the June 1997 issue of Playboy.  There are none for sale on Playboy.com, but I'm sure eBay has 'em.

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